Prelude to a Muddy Mess

Wow, there are some days when I really need nap time.

Yes, today would definitely be one of those days. At least it's Friday, right?

I stayed up somewhat late last night watching the NCAA Tournament. Of course, the night ended in a rather disappointing fashion as both Duke and Memphis lost. I didn't have either of them winning the championship, but it still screwed up my bracket quite a bit. I don't have any money on this, but it's more of a pride thing. Brackets can be sacred.

It's also the first week back to work after having an entire week off for Spring Break. And it's March. Just a little more than two months...

This weekend is going to be out-of-the-ordinary and probably pretty challenging. I am participating in the Marine Mud Run in Fort Worth. I've been trying to do more push-ups and things to work on my upper-body strength, but we shall see how this goes. To make things more difficult, I think it's supposed to be cold on Sunday morning. I'm not sure how I feel about drenching myself in cold mud, but I'm certain that it won't be the most pleasant thing in the world.

So why I am doing this? Good question.

Life has been rather confusing lately, and I wish I could find some complacency. I know it's not always good to be complacent, but I guess I just don't want to be going at a million miles an hour every second of my life. It would also be nice to know if I really am where I'm supposed to be and if this is where I am supposed to stay.

Sometimes I just feel like I over-commit myself, and then I get too far into things to be able to get out easily. This becomes a big problem when I volunteer to do so many things, because then you have people relying on you. If you opt out, you aren't just affecting yourself. You could be screwing up a lot of things for a lot of people.

I was remembering back to elementary school when my biggest concerns were how I would do in my weekend soccer game or whether or not my mom would let my best friend sleep over on Friday night. When did things get so complicated?

Oh, yeah. When I became an adult.

I'm not so sure it's all it's cracked up to be.

Looking back, this is a rather negative outlook I'm portraying, so I think I will cash in for the moment.

At least it's Friday, right?

I'm that kid who killed the curve...

I never thought I would say this, but I really miss being in school.

Yes, I am at school every day, but it's different when you are the one teaching. I am aware of how nerdy it sounds, but I miss having papers to write and assignments to read. I want to go back to being a student.

I've been thinking a lot about grad school lately, and I have to admit that I regret not going for my Master's straight out of college. I just had this ideal picture of myself being some kick-butt sports reporter, but I found out that wasn't exactly the dream life I had painted in my head. I'm glad I did it, because I always would have wondered what it would have been like, but now there is a part of me craving the graduate life.

I am definitely considering it now, but the idea of accruing more debt than I already have is a haunting black cloud hovering over my head. I've done the math, and I will be making monthly payments for the next (insert ridiculously high number) years. I'm not sure how badly I would like to add to that.

There are just so many things I want to do in life: get my novel published, run the Boston Marathon, get my Master's...the list goes on. I think another reason I didn't get this degree immediately was because so many people kept telling me I should. As usual, I had to be stubborn. You would think I would have learned by now that that normally doesn't get me too far.

My mom is currently trying to get into the doctoral program at UNT. I admire her so much for all she has accomplished, but I don't want to wait as long as she did to further my education. I would rather do it now. I crave learning; I love learning, and I am not so sure I am really that good at helping people learn. That was always my biggest fear going into teaching: learning things always came so easily to me. So, how effective can I really be at making sure others grasp the material? Maybe my real place is in the chair, not at the podium.

Perhaps I am just really tired right now, but one thing is for sure: I will get that degree. It makes me sickeningly excited thinking about writing more term papers and developing a thesis. Is it weird that I want to take the GRE?

Spring Break is now officially less than a week away. Praise God.

A Case of the Mondays

Top 10 Reasons Why Mondays Don't Totally Suck

10. You aren't the only one who feels like you just got hit in the head with a 2x4.

9. During the NFL season, at least you have Monday Night Football (though that is not the case right now)

8. The sound of the copier really isn't that awful, right?

7. "Manic Monday" isn't the worst song to have stuck in your head all day.

6. Sometimes other people screw up more than you do.

5. The memories of the weekend are still fresh on your mind.

4. One word: procrastination.

3. You can catch up on the latest info during cooler talk.

2. The thought of your bed gets more and more appealing, even if you did forget to wash the sheets over the weekend.

1. It's only four more days until the weekend.

We are almost there!

At Least I'll Get Summers Off

Sometimes I really wonder what the heck God is doing.

It's really hard being a first-year teacher, and there are definitely days when I want to quit and do something completely different with my life. I question why God put me here, and I just want to get out.

But then there are days when I love it and know that I am here for a purpose, and I enjoy being part of helping kids learn and grow. It's neat to see students change over time and (some) grasp the material they've seen in class.

Then there are those lovely confusion points, such as what occurred most recently.

I have been the interim editor for my church news magazine while the regular editor has been on maternity leave. I've been doing this for the past three months or so, and I have loved it. Writing and editing are two of my favorite things, and that's exactly what I get to do in this position. Sure, there is a lot more involved, as well, but that's the main chunk of it.

Last Friday, I learned that the editor has decided not to return to her position because she is going to stay home with her newborn, instead. Definitely a respectable decision. Of course, the first thought that ran through my head was: Holy cow! Does that mean they need someone to replace her? Is this my chance? I could move closer to home and not have to deal with the stresses and everything else that comes along with being a high school teacher!

Well, I guess God had other things in mind.

They have already found a replacement, but I am taking on one more month of the interim position, and I will still be able to be a contributing editor as I have done in the past.

Shucks.

I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. I mean, I guess it has to be since that's the way it is, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't just a little bit disappointed when I found out they had gotten a replacement so quickly. Yes, I enjoy teaching, but I don't know if this is really where I am supposed to be forever. I miss writing too much.

There are days when I want to quit everything and just be a novelist or something of the sort, but that's not quite a flourishing profession right now. I was barely surviving when I was a sports journalist, so I can't imagine things would be much better in the book world, especially for someone as little known as me.

I think one thing that makes me so frustrated is how quickly I was willing to give up what I am doing right now. Why would I have such a strong desire in my heart? Is it from God? Or is it something from my human nature that is selfish and fleeting?

And the big question: WHY?

I had secretly wondered if the editor would make the decision she did, and I had a feeling she would. Honestly, I had hoped they would ask me to fill the position, but I suppose it's best I wasn't considered. After all, then I really would have had a huge decision to make. Perhaps I am where I'm supposed to be...at least for now, anyway.

I just wonder what's ahead. I know that I just have to be patient and wait, blah, blah, blah. I'm just not in the mood for trite little pick-me-up sayings right now.

It's just one of those times in life where one just has to soldier through it in hopes that everything will fall into place as it should.

The unknown sure can be a pain at times.

A Beautiful Disaster

Some people just aren't happy unless they are unhappy.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day outside today, so I decided to go rollerblading this afternoon. There is a nice park near my apartment, so I drove there and jammed out to my iPod shuffle as I cruised around the pond a few times. Because the weather was so great, there were lots of people enjoying the park, as well, and it was fun to see all the families biking, walking, running, playing Frisbee and doing many other activities that can't always be done on the first day of February in every other part of the nation.

It was definitely the refresher I needed to forget all of my worries and just bask in the greatness that God created.

That was until I had an encounter with the Grouch.

As I was leaving the parking lot, a car started backing up, not really looking behind him. I honked my horn so that he wouldn't hit me. Because the weather was so nice, I had my window down so I could enjoy the day. Little did I know that I would also get to enjoy his foul mouth. At this point, he simply rolled down his window and yelled, "Can you not see me backing out?!"

I just kept driving. I could see this guy clearly had some rage issues, and I wasn't in the mood to argue with him. He hadn't hit me, so there was no harm done. However, he wasn't finished just yet.

After I had completely pulled out onto the road, he sped up and chased me down, pulled up beside me, rolled down his window and shouted: "Why don't you have a little [insert obscenity] patience next time?!" Then he made a u-turn and sped off in the other direction.

Wow.

He had driven in the opposite way of his destination so that he could yell and cuss at me. And what good did it do? Absolutely none. Can we rewind time and avoid our whole parking lot encounter? No. Are we likely to see each other again in the immediate future? I doubt it, seeing as how I had never seen him before in my life, anyway. Was I even the one at fault? I didn't think so, though I might be a bit biased in this instance.

The fact of the matter is, there is nothing we can do to change the past, and it's not like any damage had even happened! All that had occurred was the honk of a horn! Perhaps that just doesn't fly with him. Or maybe he had some pent-up anger, and I had been the final straw that made him snap. Whatever the reason, he felt it was necessary to chase me down the road so that he could scream out the window at me.

And it did nothing.

I didn't really respond to the guy. I think I just looked at him or smiled (I have a tendency to be sarcastic at times...), though I am not completely sure. I guess I was just too shocked at the time that someone would really waste all of that time and energy to yell at a stranger. I guess he didn't enjoy his time at the park as much as the rest of us did.

It makes me sad that some people get so bent out of shape over the most ridiculous things and can't just let them go. I hope for the best for this man and will just have to pray that he will find joy in life without seeking to suck all the fun away from others.

On a lighter note, happy Super Bowl Sunday to all!

I'm Going Medieval

I flashing back to my past this weekend.

I haven't been to Medieval Times since I was in the sixth grade. It was for a field trip, and I had a really fun time, mainly because my friend Jenny and I got to hang out the whole time. This Saturday, Jenny turns 24, and we are going back there. I can't wait!

There is a hilarious scene in The Cable Guy where Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick go to Medieval Times, and Steven (Broderick's character) is baffled by the fact that he has to eat with his hands, but he can still have cola.

"There were no utensils, but there was Pepsi?!"

Man, that was a good movie. I can't believe more people didn't like it. I mean, Ben Stiller directed it, and the basketball scene is hilarious. Jim Carrey even teaches us the value of stretching and getting in a good warmup. Then he educates us on "prison rules." Classic.

But back to this weekend. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. We have a rather large group going, and most of them are pretty decent people with good senses of humor. Plus, I need some time to have fun and not stress out about anything. Work has been rather rough lately.

We had semester exams all this week, so I have been busting tail to get those made, graded and entered in the gradebook. I have also had to deal with a couple of ornery parents who seem to think their children are the most perfect beings in the entire world. I have had to hold back so many sarcastic (and truthful) remarks, while at the same time hearing someone insult me. This job sure does require a lot of patience and humility! And I feel like kids are a lot more disrespectful these days. Half of the things I hear them say, even the "bad" kids at my high school never would have said to teachers. It's pretty ridiculous at times.

Then there is the stupid economy. I have decided I hate money. It causes so much stress. Bills, bills and more bills...they never stop coming! I am going to be paying off debt for the rest of my life, and it's so frustrating. I try not to be envious of people who have so much and don't have to worry about their financial situations, but it's hard. And I am well aware of the fact that there are multitudes of people out there who are even less fortunate, but that doesn't make things easier, either. Sometimes life is just rough, and I guess you just have to roll with the punches.

So, all in all, I would have to say Medieval Times is much-needed for me this weekend. Good thing I always carry ketchup with me, because I doubt they have it there. But there is Pepsi.

Hiding Behind a Smile

I think a smile can sometimes function as the best mask there is.

Sure, smiles are often completely genuine, but there are times when we use them to cover up pain and cover up truth. Just think about how many times you have seen someone who asks: "Hey, how are you doing?" and you respond with the expected: "I'm doing well, and you?" It happens to most people at least once a day, I would guess.

And it's not like the other person really anticipates you to say much beyond the politically correct reply. That's made pretty obvious in the fact that people frequently ask this only in passing and don't even slow down their paces to encourage anything other than peachy-keen updates.

But what would be the reaction if "Hey, how are you doing?" were followed by: "Well, actually, things kind of suck right now. I just lost my job, none of my relationships seem to be working out, and I just feel really lonely and helpless right now"? I imagine the person who inquired would regret doing so and feel rather awkward.

After all, it isn't the most normal thing in society for the truth to be so open and for people to make themselves so vulnerable. It makes more sense to put on a smile to mask the real emotions we are feeling.

The other day I was having lunch with a friend, and this question popped up. I said something along the lines of the fact that I was tired—which was nothing new—and how I was really glad to have a two-week vacation from work. When I asked her the same, she hesitated—looking as if she were about to give me the antiquated response—but then the truth came out: "Actually, things really suck right now, and I am so frustrated with so many things."

She went on to tell me about all the things that were going on in her life, and I think it really helped the both of us. It was good for her to vent and sort things out as she was telling me, and it was beneficial for me because it helped me get to know my friend even better, and I was able to add it to my prayer list.

I realize that she is already a close friend, so it is a little more natural for her to open up to me about everything going on in her life, but why can't we be that way with more people? Or why can't we, as the inquirers, expect more honest answers? How are we to get to know more people on deeper levels if we can't even spare a few minutes to listen to them and offer either encouraging words or simply an ear. Many times, just letting people say things aloud that have been bottled up for too long can be very freeing and helpful. Sometimes it feels better just to get things off our chests. Sometimes it feels better to wipe off a fake smile and reveal what's really written all over our faces.

So, the next time you ask someone in passing: "Hey, how are you doing?" you might try slowing down your stride just a bit in case that person really does have something to say other than: "I'm doing well, and you?" You might try looking beyond the smile to see if it's hiding pain.

For instance, if you were to see me tomorrow and ask me that question, my reply might be something like: "Well, I feel really let down. I know I should never let the Cowboys get my hopes too high, but they really disappointed me this season. It's as if they didn't even show up to play against the Eagles. Where was the heart? Where was the battle to make the playoffs? Where was the warrior mentality?"

Yes, I will move past this lost sooner or later, but just beware that if you ask me in the next few days how I am doing, I am not likely to say: "I'm doing well, and you?"

Right now, it's just too difficult to hide behind a smile and mask the heartache America's Team has caused me.