At Least I'll Get Summers Off

Sometimes I really wonder what the heck God is doing.

It's really hard being a first-year teacher, and there are definitely days when I want to quit and do something completely different with my life. I question why God put me here, and I just want to get out.

But then there are days when I love it and know that I am here for a purpose, and I enjoy being part of helping kids learn and grow. It's neat to see students change over time and (some) grasp the material they've seen in class.

Then there are those lovely confusion points, such as what occurred most recently.

I have been the interim editor for my church news magazine while the regular editor has been on maternity leave. I've been doing this for the past three months or so, and I have loved it. Writing and editing are two of my favorite things, and that's exactly what I get to do in this position. Sure, there is a lot more involved, as well, but that's the main chunk of it.

Last Friday, I learned that the editor has decided not to return to her position because she is going to stay home with her newborn, instead. Definitely a respectable decision. Of course, the first thought that ran through my head was: Holy cow! Does that mean they need someone to replace her? Is this my chance? I could move closer to home and not have to deal with the stresses and everything else that comes along with being a high school teacher!

Well, I guess God had other things in mind.

They have already found a replacement, but I am taking on one more month of the interim position, and I will still be able to be a contributing editor as I have done in the past.

Shucks.

I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. I mean, I guess it has to be since that's the way it is, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't just a little bit disappointed when I found out they had gotten a replacement so quickly. Yes, I enjoy teaching, but I don't know if this is really where I am supposed to be forever. I miss writing too much.

There are days when I want to quit everything and just be a novelist or something of the sort, but that's not quite a flourishing profession right now. I was barely surviving when I was a sports journalist, so I can't imagine things would be much better in the book world, especially for someone as little known as me.

I think one thing that makes me so frustrated is how quickly I was willing to give up what I am doing right now. Why would I have such a strong desire in my heart? Is it from God? Or is it something from my human nature that is selfish and fleeting?

And the big question: WHY?

I had secretly wondered if the editor would make the decision she did, and I had a feeling she would. Honestly, I had hoped they would ask me to fill the position, but I suppose it's best I wasn't considered. After all, then I really would have had a huge decision to make. Perhaps I am where I'm supposed to be...at least for now, anyway.

I just wonder what's ahead. I know that I just have to be patient and wait, blah, blah, blah. I'm just not in the mood for trite little pick-me-up sayings right now.

It's just one of those times in life where one just has to soldier through it in hopes that everything will fall into place as it should.

The unknown sure can be a pain at times.