I'm selfish, and I feel guilty about it

I don't like making decisions, and I've reached another difficult one.

As previously mentioned, I'm on the injured reserve list right now, so I won't be running the Chicago Marathon as planned. It's killing me. Each day, my friends update their statuses on Facebook with how much mileage they did or how many days there are until the marathon, furthering the depressing feelings I get each time I see someone running or hear anyone mention it.

I die a little inside each time.

So, it's obvious I won't be able to run 26.2 miles in less than two weeks, seeing as how I can't even run any distance as of right now. I think a marathon would only ruin the healing that's already occurred on my wretched fracture. The decision, however, comes in whether or not I will still go on the trip to Chi-town. I've already paid for my flight and whatnot, and I would love to be supportive for all of my friends, but there is this little (or HUGE) selfish bug in me that doesn't want to go. I mean, how much pain do I really want to cause myself watching hundreds of people do the one thing I love doing the most but can't do for almost another month? How much pain do I want to cause myself for not being able to run a race for which I trained months and months, putting in hours of dedication and early mornings in the brutal Texas summer humidity and heat?

I know it's selfish. Trust me—I know.

I would love to spend my birthday in Chicago with all of my wonderful friends, but I would also prefer not to be so self-pitiful on my birthday. I'm aware that I need a change of attitude, but I guess I never realized how sad it would make me not to be able to run—mainly because I never thought I would not be running. I had a dream last night in which I broke into a run, and it was one of the most amazing feelings. I woke up, and there were tears on my pillow that I hadn't even realize had leaked from my eyes.

I don't know what to do: I really want to be a good friend, but I also want to avoid furthering this slump. I think I know what I should do—I just hope I do the right thing.

Holding back the tears

I feel like lately I've been walking through a hail storm without any form of protection whatsoever.

First it was the tooth, then the ovaries, then the pelvic fracture. Someone told me bad things happen in threes, so I would be good-to-go soon. I thought that was only true for deaths, but I liked the idea of my woes coming to an end, so I chose to believe it. Too bad.

I had my follow-up x-ray appointment yesterday morning to make sure my fracture is healing. I guess I was hoping I would be some freak of nature and heal in half the time it takes average humans; I was hoping my doctor would look at me and say, "Looks like you will get to run the Chicago Marathon after all!" Instead, Dr. H chose to dash my hopes with a few simple words: "You're still broken."

Hold back the tears.

I asked him when I could start running again, and he said at least another four weeks. I thought I had just hallucinated, so I had him repeat himself. Oddly enough, he said that dreaded time frame again. I informed him that I really wanted, nay, needed to be running in about a week or two, tops. We clearly weren't seeing eye-to-eye.

"You do realize this is kind of a big deal, right? I mean, this break is pretty serious and one that typically take a long time to heal."

Ugh. That whole "long time" statement really wasn't working for me. He told me to come back in four weeks for another follow-up appointment. Oh, I guess he really was serious about this four-week thing.

However, he prescribed me some physical therapy about which I am pretty excited. It's at a place called the S-G Alter G Center, where you can run on an anti-gravity treadmill that is specifically designed to reduce one's body weight and help with existing injuries and injury prevention. My first session is today right after I get off work. I can't wait to run! I mean, I never really liked gravity, anyway. (I'm only kidding, so calm down all you Bill Nye fans.)

The other piece of bad news I received yesterday is a bit more serious, because it involves my uncle's life. I was at dinner last night with some of my friends, and they were really helping take my mind off of the fact that I was so down-in-the-dumps about not being able to run—and they are all runners, so they really are a special bunch. Anyway, my mom called, and I didn't answer because it was too hard to hear. Then my brother called. Then my mom called. Then my sister called. I started to get worried, so I sent my sister and mom a text that said I was at dinner.

"Call mom when you get a chance."

"Is it serious?"

"Yes."

Uh oh.

I immediately got up from the table and called my mom. As soon as she answered, I knew it wasn't good. I could hear the tears in her voice. She told me her brother was in the hospital, had open heart surgery and was now pretty much fighting for his life. This is my uncle with whom I communicate every single day. We have been in e-mail correspondence for years now, and I enjoy updating him on my life and hearing about his, as well. He keeps me informed about my cousin and her precious daughter, and I love all of the encouragement he gives me, as well. I didn't have an e-mail from him yesterday morning, but I figured he was having computer troubles, because that has happened before.

Not the case this time.

When I woke up this morning, I knew I wouldn't have a note from him, but I wrote him, anyway. I don't know what's going to happen to him, but all I can do is pray. I don't want to lose him. You see, my uncle isn't quite a believer, and I think I was the only person who ever regularly talked to him about Jesus. But I don't think I'm finished telling my uncle about the Lord yet. What if he still doesn't know His love?

My parents drove to Longview to go see him. He is the last person left of my mom's side of the family, and I know this is tearing her apart. She absolutely adores her brother.

Breathe. Pray. Repeat.

The paths we never chose

I am often amazed with how things work out.

Even though I know you're not supposed to dwell on "what might have been," I don't think there is anything wrong with wondering every now and then. For instance, what would have happened if I had stayed at one college for my entire four years? Or, what would I be doing now if I had stuck with sports reporting? Would I still be living where I do now? Would I have the same amazing group of friends?

My mind can't help but take a brief trip to possibilities on occasion.

Despite the mysteries of things that never happened, I find myself more than thankful for what I do have and where I am now in life. I honestly don't know what I would do without my Cincas; I hate to think of how my life would be without the DRP and all of the incredible people and friendships I have formed with them (seriously, is there another group of people full of so much love and encouragement??! I think not.); I truly don't even like to think too long on what I would do if I weren't a teacher; and, of course, I thank God every chance I can for my family (BAM!!). Everything in my life fell into place exactly as it should have.

So, maybe it isn't so bad to ponder on how our lives would be if we had taken different routes—it might make you appreciate where you are now more than you would have. But, I definitely wouldn't dwell on it—after all, you don't want to live in moments that don't truly exist. It's much better to be in the present, where there are always multiple pathways awaiting you, anyway.

Live from Michigan Avenue!

Sometimes it is good to step out of your comfort zone.

I think that's why I'm in Chicago right now. The original plan was to run the Chicago Half Marathon on Sunday, but, if you read my last post, you know that's a difficult task when you are on crutches and can barely walk. I honestly considered skipping out on the trip altogether (I never miss work and always get really paranoid that something will go wrong with the broadcast or one of my other classes when I do), but for some reason I thought a getaway was something I really needed in my life right now.

I think I was right.

I got some pretty nice treatment at the airports: I got to pre-board, people were helping me with everything, and there was a wheelchair waiting for me when our plane landed. I wasn't the biggest fan of having someone push me through the crowds, but I guess it beats prolonging my injury by walking on it (when I can't walk). And the chick wheeling me was pretty talented—we were flying!

Probably the only complaint I have about Chicago pertains to the drivers—they are horrible! I think I got yelled and honked at more today than my combined almost-10 years of driving. A man blared his horn at me to turn left when there was a steady flow of cars on the other side, and turning would have meant death. I chose life. The taxi man would have preferred the former.

I decided to go to the race expo today, which probably wasn't the best idea. It was rather depressing. I was REALLY looking forward to this one, and it's depressing to see a bunch of runners who are getting prepped and nervous to take the starting line on Sunday. One of the funnier moments, however, came when I overheard a guy about my age on the phone with someone. His side of the conversation went a little something like this: "I mean, it's not out of the question. It's only a half, so we can run it drunk." Good luck with that one, buddy.

The expo was at the Navy Pier, and the weather was absolutely amazing, so hung out alongside Lake Michigan for a bit. Why is it that I almost always forget my camera when I need it most? I took a pic with my phone, but it wasn't that great. Still, it was a rather peaceful experience and was a nice escape from the mass chaos that I feel like usually consumes my life. (I would like to point out that I did not get lost on my way to the expo or my drive home—and some of these streets are confusing. Holla!)

I really only have one other beef with Chi-Town: The Rangers aren't on TV here. :/

I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow. It's College GameDay, so I might spend a lot of it watching games in the hotel, but that's fine by me. As Hannah Montana says, "Life's what you make it, so let's make it rock!"

We don't have to fall apart just because our plans do

It's come to my attention that things don't always go the way we planned.

Wait, WHAT??!!

It's true. Sometimes we think we have everything all mapped out in our lives, and then a greater compass takes us in a completely different direction. I wonder if God just chuckles every now and then when we are planning way too far in advance. I know I probably would if I were in charge of everything--I guess it's a good thing I'm not God.

I was supposed to run in the Chicago Half Marathon this weekend—well, according to me, anyway. Now I will just be happy when I can walk again. Being on crutches constantly is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I mean, I even had to use the electrical shopping cart at Kroger the other day. (I would like to apologize, once again, to the store workers for knocking over the display of Oreos. It was honestly an accident.) It's also pretty darn frustrating not being able to use an umbrella in this rain, because it is too much to try to carry an umbrella and crutch it up. Oh, hello there, drenched clothes.

I know there has to be some reason as to why I'm not racing this weekend, but I still have no clue what it is. (Please don't chime in your two cents of an explanation—some things are better kept to yourself.) An even bigger question I have is why I might not be able to run the Chicago Marathon next month. I raised all the necessary money for the charity; I trained harder than I ever have; I booked my flight and hotel; it was going to be an awesome race with an even more awesome group of people; it's the weekend of my 26th birthday, and I planned to run 26.2 the day after turning 26.

There is that word "planned" again.

Now for that other word we love so much: WHY????!!!!

Answer: I have no idea. Yes, I can look back at other instances in my life where my plans went astray, and it turned out for the better, of course. But, when you're in the moment, it's a little more challenging to try to look at things with a logical perspective.

Right now I'm dealing with a pelvic fracture—in two places. Apparently, it happened sometime around the same time I had the ruptured ovarian cyst, but the pain from the cyst somewhat masked the fracture pain, so I kept walking around on it (and later ran on it), which made it even worse. I guess that explains the writhing pain I felt almost two weeks ago when I tried to run with some of my favorite peeps at White Rock. My MRI last Friday showed the fracture is at both the top and bottom of this pelvic bone. Awkward. Painful. Frustrating.

I promise all of my posts aren't going to be so negative—I have just had some pretty crappy things happen lately, and they all piled up at once.

On a happier note, a special congrats goes out to all of my friends who completed (and some even dominated) triathlons over the weekend. You guys continue to amaze me on a daily basis. :)