My Bloody Strength

The other night, I discovered that I have superhuman strength.

I should preface this story with the fact that I don't use my dishwasher. I lack many domestic skills, and finding just the right amount of dish detergent is one of them. So, in order to avoid having not-quite-clean or soap-stained dishes, I hand wash everything I use. To avoid this task, I usually buy paper plates. (I know, I know: Go Green.)

But on Tuesday night, I was out of paper plates. And I needed a quesadilla.

Fast forward to a bit later in the night, when I decided I needed to wash my quesadilla plate before I went to sleep. Well, there was a little cheese stuck on the plate, so I knew I would have to take the sponge to it. And I did. Cue my Herculean power!

I made one quick stroke with the sponge, and the plate broke in half in my bare hands! I felt the pain in my hands from being sliced by the plate, and I saw the blood gushing into the sink, but I made no reaction for a brief time as I stared down at what had just happened. I was just so flippin' amazed at my brute strength!

It dawned on me that I should tend to my wounds, so I finally went to wrap my blood-gushing hands and cover them in bandages. I used Spiderman, Batman and neon Band-Aids, of course (yes, I needed that many). I'm not going to lie: it hurt pretty badly. I'm still missing that chunk of skin on my index finger that departed so suddenly.

These injuries have put quite a damper on certain parts of my life. Typing on the computer sure has been a bit more challenging than usual, seeing as how my multitude of Band-Aids slow me down and cause more typos. Then, when people see my awesome bandages, they naturally want to know why I'm covered in them. It's hard for me to stay humble in such situations. I mean, how can I not brag about how much of a beast I really am?

Needless to say, I'm buying more paper plates when I go to the grocery store this weekend.